Choosing connection over perfection did not come naturally to me, until I learned how to shift my mindset. I don’t know about you, but I have always been a Type A Perfectionist. In anything I do, I like to be “the best” and have it done to an “A+” standard. I tend to over research and stress when I feel like I am falling short. Naturally, this poses some issues for motherhood. I have two young girls at home, both with very different personalities and needs. As much as I thought I was getting it down with my first one, my second one came along and changed ALL the rules! It left me feeling like I was starting over. Learning from scratch and starting from square one, regardless of all of the knowledge I had built with my eldest. It has become clear to me over the last 15 months of being a mom of two that there is no perfect answer and no cookie cutter responses to any of the questions of motherhood. In fact, I have learned that connection, and my mother’s intuition, actually provides me with far more answers than any specific research ever could.
Listening to my Intuition
As time goes on, I find myself becoming more and more confident listening to my own intuition or “gut”. When I feel that one of the girls needs me, I stay close. Oftentimes, I find that they gravitate towards me or choose to connect with me in a way that they weren’t connecting before. I’ve learned to listen if something doesn’t feel right about an adventure that we have planned or a need to get out when there were no plans to do so before. I’ve learned to trust my gut when the girls feel “off” or appear to need something extra from me. On the other hand, there have been plenty of instances when I’ve “had a feeling” that I ignored and regretted it later. Learning to listen to my intuition, and more importantly, trust my intuition with confidence and love, has been the first step to choosing connection over perfection. In order to understand my own gut feelings, I have to understand my girls. I have to spend time with them and learn about them and how they function. By understanding each of my girls separately, I’m able to start to understand the best case scenarios for each girl, even though they differ from each other.
Connecting with my Toddlers
Connecting with toddlers can sound like a very big job! In reality, I’m learning that it feels quite simple when we allow ourselves to play. Some things I prioritize when I am being intentional about connecting with my kids are:
- Put the phone away!! I may look to it for an occasional photo if something exceptional is happening. Otherwise leave it out of site if possible.
- Get on their level! I try my best to get down on the ground with whichever child I’m connecting to. By physically getting on their level, they seem to open up with excitement and ease.
- Let them choose! When I’m playing with my kids, I do my best to let them choose the game/activity that we partake in. As long as it is safe, I try to find a way to say yes. Even if it’s messy, I work to create an environment that can be cleaned up or we move outside.
- Let go of other obligations! During our play-based connection time, I leave my other chores behind. The dishes, the laundry, the vacuuming, and cleaning can all wait until after we have shared intentional time together.
- Have FUN! This one is likely the most important of them all! I do everything I can to allow myself to enjoy every intentional moment with my babies. As my child sees me enjoying them, they seem to enjoy the time even more. Genuine fun together is the biggest connection builder we have, for any relationship. For me, in the beginning, I had to remind myself how to have child-like joy without stressing about the world around me. It takes time, but it comes back to you. When it does, you will not be disappointed!
Like we’ve said before, connecting to each child can look so different, but these five steps will get us closer to any child if practiced consistently. This doesn’t have to cover your whole day or your whole week. Just a few minutes or 20-30 minutes a day with each child can make a HUGE difference! If you don’t have a chance to be intentional about connection time one day, try just putting down the phone and having fun with whatever it is that you are doing! You will be amazed how much it means to your child.
The Results
What is the point to choosing this connection? Why do we put aside all of our chores and obligations for intentional time with our kids? Well, there are several reasons.
- My kids, on a day that they have had connection, show far more joy than on days that we haven’t made time. They don’t throw the same tantrums or beg for the same attention. In fact, I often get MORE done because they don’t need me as much as they do when I prioritize everything else.
- I find that I also am more joyful on days that I connect with my kids. I am reminded of my “why” for all of my obligations and I’m reinvigorated with love and appreciation for my little family. A less perfect house seems like the least of my worries when I allow myself to connect.
- We are building the foundation of our future relationships with our kids as teens and adults. Although connecting now through play seems simple and easy, it is laying fundamental groundwork to be connected through the later years in life and into adulthood. It allows our children to understand that they are safe and loved with us and will be prioritized no matter what else is on our plate.
I cannot wait to hear what successes each of you have. If you think of something to add to this list of ways to connect, please let me know that as well! I’m ALWAYS learning!